Play Mr. Potato Head.
Lousy bastard!
I can't do this to them.
Let go of my tie.
Enough. I have to go now.
No...
Don't come! I'll wait here.
It's the anniversary of my uncle's death.
It'll last a while.
Where's the cash?
How will they answer?
Through their asses?
Two suspects.
One's dark-haired and the other's...
dark-haired too.
Do you read me?
Seven.
I'm going to seven.
No, I'm going to seven.
You look good.
I love when you smile.
Hey, baby. What's up?
Charles, Hakim...
Is it members only tonight?
I think you know Sacha.
You've bumped into him at least once before.
Ruitchi! My Chichi! You came!
Just on time! You made it.
Crossing the ocean is easier than these stairs.
They're all here.
Have you decided? Not yet.
Shit.
I said no presents.
Happy birthday. You shouldn't have.
It's fragile.
I shlepped it from Rio.
Hello, Hakim.
Charles, Sacha.
Any more surprises?
Hi Matzu. Hi Ruitchi.
He's still alive? He sure is.
You get classier by the hour.
You didn't travel 6,000 miles for nothing.
So stare explaining.
Okay, I'll explain.
The bell lights up.
Fireworks spure out.
Explain what?
I'll brief you in.
"A Pleasant Dinner."
Claire Doste, desirous of a pleasant dinner,
invited, on the eve of her birthday,
her teddy bear and three guys,
linked only by mutual hatred
caused by their current love affairs
with the same, well-brought up girl,
wearing blue tonight.
Current? Say who?
That's true.
Who's your current bedmate?
No one.
No one?
You think I'm two-timing you?
I haven't had sex for 3 months.
She's not having sex!
My suitcase.
What?
Where's my suitcase?
I'll get it.
Doste?
Cellier. Cop Police.
Don't ever do that again.
Why?
It turns you on?
How can I help you?
Ask me in, for example.
Be my guest. Come on in.
Boys, this is Mr.Cellier-Cop-Police.
He wasn't invited.
Relax, the table's set for 5.
Two ex-cons are marauding in the area.
They're not here. Anything else?
You remind me of my father.
My father was an idiot.
Check your door.
Stop opening it to just anyone.
It was a pleasure, Miss.
Let's eat.
Please...
Let's eat.
I've outgrown this crap.
Now explain why we're here!
It's no ordinary dinner.
Tomorrow I'll be 35.
I need...
settle down.
To start a family...
and to have children.
I keep trying to choose.
You're all so...
similar.
By asking you here,
by seeing you three together, I thought.
I'd see the light.
That the truth would hit me.
I thought I'd say:
"Now I know. It's him."
I'm sorry. You've changed.
This is pathetic. Goodbye.
Yeah, doc. She's crazy. Get lost.
Do you realize what you're asking?
It's ridiculous.
You're right.
Go home. I'm sorry. It was dumb.
It was dumb all right.
You don't know how dump.
Claire's cozy dinner for four. five.
I Came here on your birthday to ask your hand in marriage.
I've waited so long for this.
Okay, Claire.
It seems we all need to settle down.
I need an answer too.
Let's finish with this.
But there's no turning back.
Tomorrow you'll have your man.
If it's me, we'll get married at 8.
Do you agree?
I do.
I do too.
Thanks.
I have to pee.
Love threw her on the floor:
"You screwed up real bad, doll"
Her lipstick melted on the cold tiles.
Tell me if this is as ridiculous as it seems.
You want us to help you choose
which one of us is the best for you?
Yes, that's right.
You like duck in blood sauce?
On the other hand,
"the best for me" doesn't mean shit.
Ruitchi! Are you okay?
If you're okay, I am.
Claire...
I love you too.
Me too, Chichi...
Quiet, Tyrone. You already ate.
There's only one condition: no low blows.
Especially you, Sacha.
For tonight, forget your poetic inspiration.
Okay, Sacha?
He's peeing.
Wait, kitty.
I'll get it.
Thank you.
Here, kitty.
Stupid idiot! You hurt me!
Don't you ever give up?
Are you okay?
Answer me!
It's the police again.
I scare you.
Your neighbors were just robbed.
Your friend let us in.
We're searching the building.
Lt. Heigen: "Hello"
Claire Doste: "Nice to meet you."
Can we look around?
Are you okay?
Come sit down.
I'll look upstairs.
I'll just poke around.
Have a seat, guys.
I'll be right back.
Miss! It's been a minute.
I need a minute too.
Stay seated. I'm coming!
Stay here.
I'll come along.
I doubt your thugs are hanging around.
They're anal retentive.
They rob block by block.
I get it.
That's a closet.
Bedroom on the left, bathroom on the right.
But someone's inside.
No use teaching you to knock.
It'll just be a minute.
Look at your hand!
"Creamy Crimes" Ready to print.
"The Lousy Choice."
No one's upstairs.
Not even in the bathroom.
Really? That's great.
Thanks anyway.
And the 4th guest?
Sacha?
I sent him to buy...
To buy?
To buy some...
To buy some?
To buy some bread.
Excellent.
Bread's important.
Nutrition-wise, digestion-wise,
bread is essential.
Let alone the different kinds:
rye, bran, oat, whole wheat.
Stale bread makes great croutons.
You like croutons?
I'll go before your dinner gets as cold as your hand.
Fine.
I'll show you out.
Next, ladies and gents, the gravy dish!
Guess what.
Those guys are her ex-boyfriends.
Tonight she's deciding who she'll marry.
Not bad, huh?
What a lousy idea.
Lousy idea...
What a lousy idea...
Talking to yourself?
Come sit down.
I need to talk to you.
Hakim, wait! Let the pro do his thing.
You have to listen to me!
Green beans, anyone?
Sacha isn't feeling well.
In fact, he's...
Dinner is served.
Go away.
Go away, please.
Go away!
Please, go away. I'm sorry.
Tonight was a lousy idea.
It's not your best idea ever.
I warned you. Tomorrow you get hitched.
We've been too indulgent all along.
It's too horrible.
How did it happen?
And now I can't tell you because you're eating him.
Don't start crying. I give up.
No, wait. We won't give up.
Your little number leaves me cold.
You wanted us, now you got us.
Stop harassing her!
You went too far.
She needs a family man.
Stay cocky, daddy-o.
I won't go. I won't let you rule the roost.
It'd be a shame if you left.
For once we're all together.
We should ask Sacha his opinion.
That asshole's been up there for 10 minutes.
I'll get him.
No, stay seated!
This is my house!
If he wants to shit for 30 years,
he can shit for 30 years!
I'll be right back.
Alice? It's Clairs.
Hi, it's Claire, her sister.
Put Alice on.
When she comes back, have her call me.
I need her desperately. Alice will call back.
She'll come help.
Just be strong and get them the hell out!
Yes, he's here.
Hello, sir. It's Sacha's father.
Fine, thanks. And you?
What?
I don't believe it!
I'll get him right away.
Sacha, it's your father.
I think it's an emergency.
No more ice.
I'll go.
What's the problem?
You have to go?
Why? Your mother? Is it serious?
Sorry, I have to go.
It doesn't matter.
Go and I'll explain it to them.
Bring me a beer.
Go on, don't worry.
I'll tell them.
Give her my love.
Sacha says goodbye.
His mother was sick.
Nothing too serious?
What a wimpy family!
This is sheer madness!
I can't keep play-acting.
It's unbearable.
It's you I want.
Let's get married.
Don't tell them.
Hurry back before the get suspicious.
My darling, this is so wonderful!
This is good stuff!
It sure is.
Chili pepper or red pepper?
You can't tell chili from red?
I'm not too sure.
Chili pepper is hot.
Red pepper... is chilly.
What are you doing?
We may eat it all.
I'm cleaning up!
Take your time, honey.
Claire, you haven't eaten a thing.
I'm calling it quits.
It's over. We can't go on without Sacha.
On the contrary. We can breathe easier.
Exactly.
Announce the results, if you know them.
No, we get to go all the way.
I mean you do. That's for sure.
Sacha's gone, but we haven't lost yet.
So it's tomorrow morning or it's off.
Yes, siree!
The night has just begun.
We haven't danced. Dancing's important.
Don't look so blue.
You'll see Sacha again.
He can be our best man.
"Dancing's important."
Dumb ass.
I can't lie anymore.
Look how much we've drunk.
Cool down.
You're out of the running.
You can still have some cheese.
Do you prefer Bali or Venice?
Hands off the platter!
Yes, Junior!
Where's Hakim?
Hakim, don't go any further.
This bathroom and I go way back.
I can wash my hands alone.
Watch out.
Are you okay? Me first.
Hey, ref. Can you keep a secret?
Your Big Mama...chose me.
I should have proposed ages ago, but you see,
when the time is right, the time is right.
Beautiful night!
Hurry!
Let's go.
I know when a woman's hot to trot.
Vienna? No, Florence.
Florence. Firenze...
Step on it.
When were we alone in here last?
How many lonely bubble baths?
Let's take one. No...
Miss Claire Doste, do you wed Mr. Charles Thiriot,
who is looking for the butter and can't find it?
It's you I want to marry.
Don't tell the others.
Hurry before they get suspicious.
I love you.
And the winner is...
yours truly!
That's enough!
Let's go now.
After a midnight bath with my baby.
Stop it...
Wow, it's great. The sand is nice and hot.
I love you! That's enough.
Don't worry. All the sharks are asleep.
Enough.
It was an accident. You're my husband now.
Look at his hand!
Say you'll help me!
Look at his hand!
Let's get him down!
Look at his hand!
Claire, I'm sorry, but I can't live without you.
Forgive me.
Ruitchi, my love. It's you I want.
Let's get married.
Don't tell the others.
Take me to Brazil now.
We'll get married and have kids.
We'll make love 10 times a day if you want.
Forgive me.
Why should I forgive you?
I don't believe it.
Neither do I.
You're crazy. A psycho.
A fucking psycho.
Don't move.
Stop, Charles.
Let me explain.
I beg of you, stop.
It was an accident.
The accident is I'm still alive.
Hang up!
Move or I'll belt you.
Answer! Answer!...
Stop.
Charles! Don't call.
Let me explain.
Shut up.
Open up.
Please stop.
I can't take it anymore.
Call whoever you want.
Do anything.
Just get me out of this nightmare.
I didn't do anything. I'm innocent, I swear...
Claire? I have a headache.
Aspirin. In my bag.
3 times a day.
Charles!
"Each dying elf brings him closer to herself."
she wiped the knife on her teddy bear.
Alice went to wonderland, leave a message on the band.
Alice, it's me. I'm living a nightmare.
I need you badly. Call me back.
Charles.
What got into you?
Miss Doste! Police!
I'll bust the door down.
No, just a second. Let me get dressed.
I'll be right there.
Police.
Miss Doste!
Here I come!
I'm coming.
This is too much.
Oh boy!
What do they want now?
Miss Doste, open up.
Just a sec! I'm naked.
Miss Doste.
Enough is enough!
This is it.
Three! Two! One!
I'm coming.
Here I come.
Surprise.
It's your birthday.
It was hard getting everyone together.
Alice, we need to talk.
Hi there! Paris! Music!
You picked the wrong time.
No!
Steve! Coats upstairs!
Ruitchi! What's up?
Careful.
Is he plastered?
Out of my house.
You live here?
It's like Basic Instinct, but more basic.
Look.
A seal washed up on an ice floe.
You know what?
Hunters bash in their skulls to make lipstick
for man-stealing bitches.
They kill females.
No one upstairs!
And inside there are little seals
for little lipsticks for little bitch lips.
Let me straighten up.
Nice door move.
You look like Kirk Douglas in Spartacus, except as a woman.
Are you into spanking?
Cool.
It's pouring in here.
We're fucked.
Look where we're heading.
The end of communi...capability.
Come on, one last effort.
Sorry.
Come in the closet.
I can't now. Give me an hour.
Usually chicks tie me down to keep me in.
Some TV? No, a cassette.
An aquarium on tape. It's relaxing.
Put on a gladiator movie.
I'll race chariots up your ass.
The Nativity Good clean fun.
We need the bed.
Or I'll paint you pink like Babe the pig.
You'll squeal.
The bathroom?
Diarrhea Boy, out to beat your record?
I see. T-shirt, panties, face cream:
we're splitting.
I'll be downstairs.
You're no cheap date.
Piss somewhere else!
Get out of here.
I want them out of here.
We can't do that.
They just got here.
I have to talk to you.
You were laughing.
I was sad. Try understanding my neuroses.
Get out, please. Listen, Caro...
My name's Mina.
Leave my kitchen now.
She's hysterical.
What's your sister's name?
Jacqueline. Morel?
Jacqueline Testut, asshole.
Tonight was the dinner.
So who is it?
Listen, this is serious.
Hakim, Sacha, Charles and Ruitchi are here.
How serious?
It's serious.
They're all dead. I killed them.
I'm dead too.
Follow me.
Move it.
I can't. I'm attached.
Touch him.
He's cold.
Take her up. She always faints.
Leave her alone.
What's worse than crusty toothpaste?
Stagnant soap-dish water.
Alice fainted.
Put her on the bed.
You can leave now.
Go back down.
Pink is pretty.
Blue is too. So are you.
You go too.
Get lost!
Alice... Wake up.
Stop stop, It's me.
You killed them all?
All four?
It wasn't my fault.
It wasn't your fault.
No one will believe you.
Yes You will. You have to.
No. Yes.
Alice, I need you.
I need you, Alice.
I'm with you now. You'll be fine.
We're together now. It's okay.
Charles too?
Charles too.
They're all dead, dead, dead.
They're dead.
Charles.
He's dead.
Oh yeah.
Alice, stay with me.
There's no time for fainting now.
Holy cow.
Shit man.
This place is modern.
Yeah, check these out.
Come here. What?
Check it out.
It's totally cosmic.
I've got it.
Steady as she goes.
When you piss, piss rules.
Paris, I love you.
I shower you with my love.
Jump in the arms of your beloved Paris.
Go on, jump!
It's raining?
It's hot.
It smells like piss.
Did you take it?
It's just a tranquilizer?
No, it's arsenic. Hurry up!
What are you doing? Help me.
Help!
Stuff them is the bean bags.
You do Sacha. I'll do Hakim.
There's no more time to get queasy.
Are you okay? Don't worry.
You do Hakim and I'll do Sacha.
He's got my garter belt on.
I have to pee.
Keep the door open.
I'll get some weed.
Cellier. Cop. Police.
Claire Doste.
Hi there.
Where is Claire Doste?
She's over there.
Up there. I mean, down there.
Up, down...
What creative powers!
Can I put on something else?
Bitches who get knocked up by angels aren't my thing.
You believe in the Arch Angel?
You're right not to answer me.
I don't deserve it.
I'm just an amoebae.
An amoebae with a hat that say "Asshole".
Where is Miss Doste?
No thank you, sir.
Talking to you does me good.
You remind me of my shrink.
Do you mind if I pay you?
Take it easy.
They don't fit.
They do. Hakim's almost in.
What about his head?
I said they fit, so empty the bag.
Fold your boyfriends yourself and cut the snotty sister act.
It's all your fault.
This dinner was your idea.
No way! You invited them.
You killed them. They're dead.
It's finally sinking in.
You understand now. Good girl.
You're crazy! "Good girl". Stop.
Occupied.
Pop another pill.
Won't you open for me?
Miss? Police.
Have you heard about teenage humiliations...
Hello again.
You're calm and collected.
What do you want?
What are you hiding?
My sister...stark naked.
But...
since nothing ever seems to stop you...
I'm going. Come.
Your body doesn't interest me.
The mayhem here is exasperating.
You're ruining my operation.
I want it to stop.
Are you coming?
Are you into bikes?
Come visit me at the station.
Lt. Helgen.
Will you remember?
Remember Helgen?
Your guests urinated on him.
From the balcony.
Freeze.
Claire, where's your vacuum cleaner?
Another one?
Another?
We're out of bean bags.
I'm cracking up.
Duck blood. Quack, quack.
Don't cops ever laugh?
Enough for tonight.
It sure is.
No, coke is dangerous.
Unless you use it medicinally.
2 or 3 times a day, no more.
If you snort it all day, you've got it bad, believe me.
This may hurt, but I'll tell you anyway.
I don't think Claire loves you for real.
What she really likes about you is your brains.
But she lacks self-confidence.
Because I...
Well, I know that you're one dumb motherfucker.
You're cold.
Want my mittens?
Do you mind if I fast forward?
Fish make me think of Jacques Cousteau.
With his red hat, like Grumpy.
And these days, Snow White...
Let me tell you again:
acid to acid, dust to dust.
Motherfucker.
Made by kids in shanty towns.
Not "made", "built".
They did it themselves.
It's not made. It's built.
Let's light it.
Heavy beans, man.
What are you doing?
Alice said to chuck them.
You okay, lsabelle? I changed channels.
What's that? The remote control.
Let's go to the hospital.
Let me.
Are you sure?
Careful...
Don't worry. It itches.
Shouldn't we go straight to Sony?
The shortest road to love bore his name.
She spun her Studebaker around.
Get out!
Alice?
Nothing here.
Here's the scoop:
One corpse upstairs.
No problem.
Three more down here.
No problem.
If you don't want to join them, give us your cash and jewelry.
It's late and you're pretty, so Pino will be nice.
Untie us. This is too much for one night.
Where's the ice?
I'll count to 3.
No.4 And forget 5.
6 doesn't exist. Shut up.
Drop the gun. Stow it.
Don't yell.
Take your stinky pal and go.
Waste them.
She's kidding. She's freaking out.
Even me, an hour ago, I'd have fainted.
Be cool.
Say he smells good. He stinks.
You stink too.
You smell like shit.
See? Everything's fine.
It's all okay.
Giuseppe. Pino?
Get the jewels.
Take them and beat it.
Not Granny's ring.
Let go. Give it to Daddy.
Goddamned bitch.
You stink.
Come on...
Come back! Help!
She can't breathe. Screw you.
She'll die.
Come back! She swallowed Granny's ring.
It's worth 500,000 francs.
Spit it out.
Asshole! What are you doing?
Make a fist.
Hit her plexus.
Like in the showers!
The showers? Hit her.
You're crazy. Not her face!
In the plexus.
Hit hard.
Hard! Hard! Boogie down.
Right, left, clench your butt.
She's dying. Hard!
Where's the plexus?
Here! Hit here.
Not her! Her!
Where is it?
I got it!
Fuck, it's crap.
Crap?
Bitch!
You stink.
Like crap!
Let's fade out of here!
Police.
They're there.
Cellier. Cop. Police.
Help me.
Not you again.
Is there another exit?
It's the cops!
Untie me.
Cut the ropes.
Hide us. Are you crazy?
Please, please.
If you get rid of the 4 bodies.
Not 4.2. One each.
Four. Three.
Four. 6 doesn't exist.
I'll knock the door down.
It's about time.
You're always too late.
Beat it, broad.
Hide them. Where?
Hurry!
Wherever. Hide them.
Here.
This is dangerous.
Stop bugging us.
What's his name?
Mecki.
Go fetch.
My ear.
Helgen. The lock.
Police! Freeze!
I assume you know nothing about the two robbers.
Who?
The robbers.
No, we're all alone here.
You didn't see anyone?
We're out of luck tonight.
Let's put that biddy out to pasture.
Did I miss something?
What a shitty job.
Shitty night.
Shitty life.
The Platters.
I know them all.
My back hurts.
Hook it up.
This place is a dump.
Not there!
Yes, sit there.
It's okay. Stay there.
My 6th botched attempt.
Where's the music?
It's broken.
Let us sleep now.
Mr. Handyman, go take a look.
Don't bother.
Let me try. Cops can fix things.
Fix the jukebox.
It opens from behind.
It's a Wurlitzer.
The handle is on the other side.
It works jim-dandy.
What's that version?
The intro was a little re-mixed.
The rest of the song is normal.
The closet.
They're not in my closet.
It's Alice in the kitchen. Open up.
Police.
Stop.
Let's go home.
Can I bum a ride?
What the hell?
Can't we kiss without having guns aimed at us?
Indeed.
Helgen, pay them for the door.
He's good-looking.
Let's go to my place.
I'll say goodbye to your sister.
I guess I'll finish the dishes tomorrow.
Goodnight, Miss.
No, keep them.
I'm asking it as a favor.
If it's a favor...
Thanks for the helping hand.
And the helping fist.
So long. So long.
A goodbye kiss?
We kiss four times.
I know. 6 doesn't exist.
Do I really stink?
No, it's just...
your cologne that's strong.
What did you tell her?
Nothing.
What are you doing now?
If there are no bodies left, I think I'll go home.
Alice, I'm scared.
What happened isn't your fault, okay?
You know what?
I was proud of us tonight.
Happy birthday.
The next guy better behave.
Or else...
We'll take care of him.
Nice scream. Very nice.
One last dance?
The scream by the kitchen.
13 years on the beat makes you appreciate them.
Screams don't lie or cheat.
You don't lose time.
The TV was funny.
How could I mistake a sleeping man
for a corpse stuck in front of TV?
The jukebox gave you away,
but the bean bags were full.
Yes, I killed them!
All of them. All four.
All three. Three, four.
What's the difference? I'm killer.
Lock me up. Do as you please.
It's coming out.
It couldn't stay bottled up in such a pretty bottle.
But you're hard on yourself.
And on me.
You think I can't tell murders from accidents?
I really am innocent.
Creistalle.
What?
Your perfume is Creistalle.
Turn off the sirens.
Can I an least pack a bag?
Miscarriages of justice aren't my thing.
We'll embellish things and say they fought.
You're free.
You had to go it alone.
I pretended to arrest you to show you could bear the burden.
It may seem trivial now, but it'll help you sleep easy.
Thanks for the dance.
I'm counting on you.
Me too.
You too?
I'm counting on me too.
You want a piece of cake?
Honestly, I...
Maybe tomorrow.
No Dessert for the Dick.
Alice it's me. Call me back.
I need you. Call back.
Maybe I should wear cologne.
What do you think?
Even with a gun in her mouth, she didn't know who she was.
Who's your current bedmate?
I've given up sex.
No one?
She's given up sex!
You better explain why we're here.
This is no ordinary dinner.
Tomorrow I turn 35.
I need to settle down.
I can't choose...
You're all so similar.
So I thought by seeing you all together,
I'd see the light.
Cellier. Cop, Police.
Where's the 4th quest?
He threw her down.
Her lipstick melted on the tiles.
I sent him to buy...
To buy? Some bread.
Bread's important.
Good or croutons.
Tell them who you chose.
You leave me cold.
Thank for your watching.